The Running Man Revisited The secret to good dancing is what you do with your arms. In a packed club that’s all the fine honeys will see. But what about those guys who are clueless when it comes to dancing in the first place? Okay I may not be Kevin Bacon (yeah “Footloose”), but I got your back, my 2 left-feet friends. All you have to do is start running! Read in utmost secrecy and learn. (The headband is optional)
Why The Running Man? 1Because it’s natural. 2Because you’re actually exercising. 3Because anything that shares its name with an Arnold Schwarzenneger movie must be good.
4 Because the Running Man is cooler than the Moonwalk (err...okay, okay it's a tie!)
Truth be told, The Running Man may get you derision and ridicule while on the dance floor of today’s Trance and hip-hop happy crowds. The Running Man I admit is sooo yesterday.
But as old habits die-hard and to keep up with the times, I’ve created some incredible dance secrets that will allow the beginner to hold their own while the already good dancers among you should just ignore this piece entirely to avoid confusion.
Preparation: The Gear It’s important for the Running Man to look the part. As we are updating the dance for today’s dancefloor the fashion sense should change as well. Ask yourself this, ‘Does it look a gay guy would wear it?’ This is the million-dollar insight. Did you notice all around the world straight guys are dressing more like gays? Straight guys will now wear tight-fitting shirts that ride up on the arms, loose black slacks or khakis, and clunky shoes. The stretch button-up shirts that can be long or short sleeve are also popular. Flashy materials like silk, linen blends, and rayon are seen more often than ever on straight fellows. You’re fine if you just stay away from the flaming red nail polish.
Stretch Yer Muscles Like a singer clearing his throat the Running Dancer must warm up. Since you’ll be going for a night of extreme physical exertion you’ll have to stretch those muscles beforehand. I recommend in the privacy of the restroom. Try to go to a toilet stall and pay special attention to your calves, hamstrings, and thighs. It goes without saying that when I say stretch the muscles it doesn’t include ‘whacking off.'
The First Song It depends on the music but like any sport you have to slowly get yourself into the game. This is much easier if you have a great-looking dance partner. If you have no such person, try to get your other friends to go on to the dancefloor and aim to be in the middle of the pack.
Now walk in place. Slowly get into the beat of the music. If it’s a fast song don’t hit the same tempo just yet. The first song should be all about slowly building up your running dancing speed. But if they play “Jump Around” by House of Pain just go apeshit.
Here’s a helpful guide on how we do the Running Man 2005 to the different musical genres:
Hip Hop The East Coast Stomp is essentially the Running Man doing a march. For those that don’t know it, lift your left leg up (warning: do not, I repeat do not put your left leg in and shake it all about) then down and bring up the right leg and down and you simply march in time to the music. But since this is hip-hop we have to keep it real so instead of your fists pumping as if you were running in place, make your fingers imitate Spiderman shooting a web. Layman’s terms: touch your middle and index fingers to the fleshy part of each palm. Hold that while running. Now you got the Hip-Hip scene all figured out! Shout ‘word up’ and ‘Hooo!’ every once in awhile and you are just too legit. Too legit too quit home boy!
House Do the same exact thing as you would for Hip-Hop but this time aim your hands up high in the air as if you were Spiderman swinging from building to building. You will get tired very soon though so you can go for brief periods of running with your hands to the side and your head getting as jiggy as you can get it.
Reggae You’ll want to start out as slow as possible. Run as if you were in molasses. This may look weird at first but add a locomotive double clutch in each arm pump and guaranteed you’ll look as toasted as all the other potheads in ‘da house.
Techno This set up is suitable for all the various genres of Techno from Progressive, Drum and Base, to the poser stuff that you love only when messed up. This dance is a piece of cake. Just run in place as you would but leave one arm completely motionless, while the other arm does all the pumping. Occasionally you can point with the pumping hand up in the air. This is perfect for people with one broken arm (or people with one arm).
Rock Let’s pretend you’ve enrolled in bad acting school. Now imagine you have to run away from a large, evil bear.Run exaggeratedly in place with that same emotion on your face. Only this is the passion you show for the song and people don’t know that you’re scared shitless of a bear. On the chorus put your head into the run. Now you’re effectively moshing. Windmill your arms backward while running to make room for your bad self. For the really incredible rock songs, play air-guitar while running. Remember that evil bear and your well on your way.
New Wave New Wave was made for Running Dancing. You can snap or wiggle your head as you run. The possibilities are endless. The original Running Man itself was made for the eighties. While running make sure you point at people and also sing each and every word at the top of your lungs. (Note: tests show that 97%of the women will find this repulsive).
Cha-Cha While Swing will make a running dancer foolish, Cha-Cha is perfect for our secret style.Just remember the beat of 1-2 cha-cha-cha (move forward) and 1-2 cha-cha-cha (move backward) and your Running Man 2005 feels like a soccer drill.
You’ll look so cool so don’t be surprised if older women want to take you home for more ‘exercise.’
Slow Dancing / Country Line Dancing / Swing / Ballet / Breakdancing You’re screwed. The Running Man 2005 wasn’t meant for such curveballs. Take the time now to bribe the DJ to play your (I mean your sister’s) Ricky Martin Best of CD.
Soon everyone will come to know you as a damn good dancer.
Ten Things to Remember (I recommend you print and post this for the sheer importance of the upcoming tips.)
1.Never run as in actual running around the dancefloor. All of the above dances you are virtually dancing in place. I mean, you don’t want to look stupid. 2.Never try to kick like Sporty Spice while dancing. First of all this is usually a VERY unmanly thing to do. Secondly, unless you excel in martial arts, you’re asking for an injury. Your back or worse yet, nuts may be in extreme pain. And watch your dance partner leave you as 2 become 1. 3.Never do the same moves your guy friends are doing in synch. You’ll all look like N’Synch. 4.If you see someone else doing a variation of your running or the actual Running Man, make friends with that person. For life. Think of business ventures that you may ‘run’ together. 5.Never run and dance on a ledge, table, or any elevated area. There’s a highly probability you’ll fall. Only do it if a hot babe is already up there on the ledge and you want to get maximum rubbage. 6.Non-Running Man 2005 dancers have feelings too. Never point and laugh at them and call them such names as, “Novice!” We all have to start somewhere. 7.Try to avoid doing the Running Man 2005 in a brightly-lit area, especially a spotlight or in a dance circle. People seeing the simplicity of the dance may make them say such things like, “That guy’s just running in place!” 8.NEVER let anyone catch you dancing this particular dance when you’re home alone. For some reason unleashing the Running Man 2005 in a non-club environment looks gay as day. So, if someone walks in on you just say you worked up a sweat because you were about to ‘whack it.’ 9.If you somehow pick up a babe while doing your Running Man 2005 dance, email me immediately at: fanclubx@gmail.com . Not only do I want to know that somewhere out there I helped save someone’s Saturday night, but I have money riding on this. 10.As well as you mastered the fine art of Running Man 2005 resist the urge to have a showdown dance-off with the best dancer in the place. As every dance–off veteran knows, you have to do a powerful dance move and then point at your adversary to do his move. Us running dancers will be stuck doing virtually the same move every time. You will lose and die a horrible death. No matter where you go in the world there is always someone a little better.
I can make a normal guy into a competent dancer but I didn’t say anything about turning anyone into the second coming of MC Hammer.
The writer won the 50 yard dash during field day – 6th grade. He hasn’t stopped running since. Send your comments, marriage proposals and death threats: fanclubX@gmail.com
